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Here in rural Maine, some things are hard to come by. So for most of us, even those like me who pride ourselves on supporting the local economy, Amazon is occasionally a blessing. With my parents’ arrival in May, the daily demands, although really light at the moment, are causing me to reflect on just how random and scattered my life is feeling. My recent Amazon order is a good case in point.

Part of my community coalition work occasionally has me doing speaking engagements, and next month I will be in Dallas for the National AARP convention on a panel with EPA folks. Abundant curvy goddess that I am requires that my undergarments not be a distraction and that everything appears tight and right, thus giving me the internal confidence to set my mind on my message.There’s a particular kind of Spanx, called Skinny Britches, that addresses chubrub at the source such that I don’t start a forest fire, and is light enough so that food goes down. I tend to stock up on them on a regular basis, but I have been months without them and tried repeatedly to acquire them in Maine lingerie shops. Which may be an oxymoron, upon reflection.

And I bake cookies commercially during the holiday season. For several years I’ve relied on my friend Matt, who is a for-real baker and you should definitely order your wedding and birthday cakes from him. Matt’s been helping me buy bulk spices and in particular, Mini m&m’s in 5 lb quantities. I’ve been popping into restaurant supply places and got myself a Sam’s Club membership, in hopes that I will be a grown up in my ordering, but Mini m&m’s eluded me in 10 lb quantity, or any quantity really.

The closest bookstore is about 20 miles away, and tends to stock the finest in children’s literature or the bodice ripping vampire genre, not so much books on vocation and leadership that interest me. And I am needing all my tools right now. More tools, plz.

In addition to the Mom and Dad thing, I returned to self-care with a visit to my naturopath after taking a couple years off. At her recommendation, I’m doing something called the “Whole 30” eating plan, and I am on day 4: Kill All the Things. SO worth doing, yet some of my most habituated tools for coping involve my addictions to sugar and emotional eating. You f***ers.

I set the tone, you see. And I love to say it’s just not the right time for self-care. I need to get through this job-breakup-kid crisis and then….

The commitment that’s going to get me through all of it is the one to myself. I know this. Inigo Montoya says, “go back to the beginning”. Kris Kringle tells me “put one foot in front of the other” and Parker Palmer says, “let your life speak”.

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